Turning Point

The sounds of flesh pounding against leather hit Mikey's ears as he entered the dojo. Instantly the smell of sandalwood met him head on, forcing with it bubbling memories of better times. But the youngest sibling shook his head, trying hard to ignore the feeling of wrongness in being there, and focus on the current problem his family was facing.

Raphael. He had never been the same since...

"Raph?" He asked lightly, nearing the red banded terrapin. He grimaced at the particularly hard punch to the defenceless object. "Dude, we're all hurting, Raph, but c'mon... He wants to see you. Vin's not a stupid kid; he's your son and Leo's after all."

The older mutant's movement's jerked; the punching bag's chain chiming loudly as it swung back and forth.

"Don't… say... that name…" Raphael growled, deep and animalistic.

Mikey gulped inwardly, praying that this would end better then he thought. Nobody had been able to get near Raph or control him when he was like this. Nobody but Leo. And, well, it was hard to get Leo to help when he was gone.

"Raph, it's been a month..."

"I know."

"Leo wouldn'ta wanted you to—"

"I know what Fearless would and wouldn't've wanted!" Raph snapped back, spinning on his heel and glaring at the orange wearing ninja. "I knew 'im! I grew up with 'im! I don't need ya ta tell me what he would've fuckin' wanted!" He stilled then, panting harshly as he added, "I know I'm doin' a crap job with our kid, an'... a-an' I know I'm doin' somethin' wrong!" The stockier turtle looked away briskly, trying with all his might to glare a hole into the floor. Fuck, he didn't need this...

"…Raph, please, just hang out with him. He knows he can't come in here…" Michelangelo begged, looking towards the dojo's entrance to the small shadow by the door. The small form had been curled up there for hours now, following rules set by his parents even while they were missing from his life.

Raph vaguely noted how helpless Mike's voice was... and how it sounded so wrong. So wrong... but all the words spoken were the truth. "He'd be better off with you, Mike." The older turtle sighed, turning back to his punching bag, unable to look at the shock that crossed his younger brother's face and the soft exclamation that would follow.

"He doesn't want me, though, he wants his Dad."

"Then be his Dad; ya've always wanted ta be one," Raphael mumbled, resting his hand against the bag's worn skin, "I… I jus' can't do this anymore..."

"You can't just change dads, Raph." Mikey countered, stalking over to the other side of the bag and forcing his older sibling to look at him "You're his real father."

"I dun't care, Mike. You be his dad. It'd be better fer him ta have… both parents… jus' like his Mom wanted…"

-x-x-x-x-

The resident genius removed the syringe and dabbed at the entrance cut with a cloth. Mikey had mentioned the conversation from the dojo to him in full detail... and it still stung the purple loving terrapin's heart that Raph would give up his son so easily. Don had reassured his younger mate that he'd try to talk some sense into the older turtle, but he really had no idea on how to do it. Better now then never.

"Look Raph," he started, glancing up to meet the golden orbs of the emerald turtle, "it's not just you that's hurting. We all are."

"Don, don't get inta this..."

"Leo gave his life up to protect you, Vincent and that baby. That's just who Leo was; you know that as well as I do. " Donnie sighed and looked to the ground, unknowing on how to get his brother to understand, "You just… you can't take it for granted… please…" As the silence lengthened, the bo-wielder flinched at the still harsh and desperate words that escaped the older sibling's mouth.

"But he didn't hafta do that. I could'a stopped it! Do ya not understand how… how that feels? That I was jus' too… I wasn't…" Raph's hands formed into fists, mouth twitching downward from his scowl into a frustrated frown.

Donatello wearily noted that the situation wasn't going to get any better. "What's worse, Raph?" Donnie mumbled, voice low as he took the syringe and placed it back into its box, "Knowing that you could have stopped it, but didn't…"

The hothead remained unusually quiet, head bowed and fists tight. Unknown to the scientist, his golden eyes, so filled with burning fire, were clenched shut against the world behind a barricade of tears.

"…or that you couldn't have stopped it, no matter how much you tried?"

-x-x-x-x-

"Raphael… I realise that you must feel horrible for what has happened, but it was not your fault. You brother chose that road in a moment of desperation and a last moment of honour. He did it for you, your son, and for this family. Please, my son, do not turn his hopes for our future and better life a waste of a dream."

"I… I jus' shoulda been there… I shoulda been able ta do somethin'… I-I promised 'im I'd have his back…"

"And you have, Raphael. Just as he had yours. Like a good leader, he did what he could for the best of the clan--"

"Was that all he was ta you? Yer lil' soldier ta control us?"

"…He was my son, and for that I grieve as deeply as the rest of you. But you must remember… he took his leader responsibilities seriously, and he would have done anything asked of him to keep us from harm. Of course I do not think of him as only a soldier… he was much more. A brother, a son, a warrior… a father… and a great partner for you.

But this is about you, Raphael. You treat yourself bitterly, and although you take the medication Donatello has assigned, you do not do much more. You cannot treat your son the same way you treat yourself… he needs your guidance and support in this time of need. And you are carrying a great gift… one that is of both you and Leonardo. Please, my son, as a master and a father I ask of you this… do not treat yourself so poorly for that of which you could not help."

-x-x-x-x-

Raphael sat on the worn couch, eyes unfocused on the space before him. Dimly he registered the voices from the TV ad as background noise, and treated them as such. Ever since waking up in that truck and being told that his mate was gone… he just couldn't handle the deafening burn that silence brought. The silence that had once brought with it the smell of sandalwood, the sneaked kisses in the late nights and the pleasures that would follow after now brought pained memories and harsh accusations.

The mutant shifted uncomfortably; sure, the intimacy was great, but that was just a small amount of why he was hurting so bad. He missed the calming brown eyes, the strength in his voice, the comfort of his elder sibling, even the little quarrels during their youth; in general, he missed Leo.

"Daddy?"

Raph frowned, suddenly noticing the emerald child before him. Small, innocent hands were a warm and undeserving comfort as they clung to the older terrapin's knees, eyes wide and sheepish as they stared up to the golden pair.

"You… you mad at me?" The toddler whispered questionably.

Raph felt a piece of himself be torn at the sight of the snivelling child, but just shook his head, "Nah," he ground out, voice rough with misuse and emotions, "I ain't mad at ya."

"Oh," the youngster answered, blinking and looking away from his father, "But… you hit the punchin' bag a lot. And… and you don't say hi anymore." He frowned softly, shoulders falling, "Daddy, you… a-are you sad?"

Another wave of guilt tumbled into his gut, making the turtle want to kick himself from here to Mexico for hurting his son, but he restrained from it. Instead he looked off to the side, his stubborn male pride making him answer with a prolonged sigh, "Yeah Vin… I'm a bit sad…" Surprised as the feel of the little hands disappeared from his knees, he looked back to watch the three year old climb up onto the couch and then onto his own lap.

The little boy then opened his arms and hugged his father around the torso as tightly as he could, cheek pressed against the scarred plastron. "No sad, Daddy, please..." He stayed like that for a moment before asking, "Better now?" He smiled at the faint chuckle from his father, and hummed happily when he felt his remaining parent's arms wrap around his little body, cradling him within a wall of safety.

"Much. Thanks Vincent."

The two stayed like that for a moment, caught in the warmth and comfort of the family embrace. "…I miss Mommy…" the tot mumbled suddenly, his young voice laced with sorrow. With a sniff, he buried his head against his father's body, closing his eyes tightly together as tears started to slip down his round emerald cheeks.

Raph froze as the words rang like a bell within his head. 'God Leo… look what'cha done to us...' He inhaled shakily, worrying his lower lip before tightening his hold on the little terrapin, "Yeah Vin… me too…"

-x-x-x-x-

"Leo? Leo, where are ya?!"

Cover my eyes...</i>

He rushed forward, running down the halls and calling frantically. His heart pounding in his ears, the acidic taste of anxiety strong in his mouth. The smell of fear was overpowering as he ran down the never-ending corridor, breath seemingly leaving but never returning. Without warning, tears started to flow from his eyes and down his cheeks, blurring his vision. His feet made soft thuds against the carpeted floor as he ran, sliding to a halt when he heard the whisper.

...Cover my ears...</i>

"Raph, please…"

Finally a door appeared on his right. He flung it open, hope rising before falling. The room was deserted, as had been the entire building. He snarled loudly, eyes a blazing molten gold.

...Tell me these words are a lie.

"R-Raphael…" the voice whispered again.

That voice… dear god, that voice! The one that had been driving him mad for the majority of his life… the one he now desperately wanted to hear. The emerald terrapin turned.

What met his sight wasn't the door. In fact, the door had disappeared into the swirling blackness. His eyes narrowed, tracing over the walls for the exit but finding none.

Whimpering this time, it moaned out, "Help…"

It can't be true...

With a yell, Raph threw out a punch to a nearby wall. He smashed his knuckle into the brick before pulling it back and hitting harder. The skin became numb, the bricks flicked with blood splatters but he kept going.

'…He's on the other side…'

"Raph, help me, please!"

An animalistic roar ripped from his throat as the hothead pounded against the room's side, finally drawing his sai out and cramming and scrapping the prongs into the brick. He panted harshly, breath still not returned, but his confinement never gave.

...That I'm losing you...

There was a scream of agony. The same one that had been swimming through Raph's unconscious since that fated night. "Raph!"

...The sun cannot fall from the sky.</i>

"Leo!" He swore as he doubled his attacks. Jabbing the prongs into the wall and tearing them out with as much strength that he could. He panted harshly but never gave in… his muscles cried out as they were pushed without oxygen, his lungs threatening to make him black out as his prized possessions' gleam dulled and bent out of their original shape.

"You said you had my back!" Leo's pained voice had turned accusatory.

...Can you hear heaven cry?...

"I do! I do have yer back, bro, I swear!" Raph yelled back, tears once again burning down his cheeks.

...The tears of an angel.

"Where were you then?" The cold bite of anger and broken hopes screamed, echoing around the room and pushing forward even as the younger of the two tried to talk, "You weren't there for me! I save your life, and yet you couldn't do the same? What happened to brothers being there until the end? What about honour and never leaving another behind? Where went our trust? What about our promise to be there for each other? What the hell happened to you?!"

Tears of an aaaaa... </i>

"I tried, Leo! I fuckin' tried, but… but there was nothin' I could do!" Raphael screamed back, throwing away the dented weapons and resorting back to hitting and scratching at the wall, "I should've fought fer you, but I couldn't do anythin' more! I just… 'm sorry! There wasn't anythin' else I could fuckin' do!"

...Tears of an angel...

He fell to the ground then, emotionally and physically exhausted as he leaned his forehead against the wall's cool and unharmed surface. "I… I just…I'm so sorry… I couldn't save ya. Th-There was nothin' else I could do…"

"Exactly."

...Tears of an angel.

Raph felt the support underneath his worn hands leave. He frowned, looking up to see the wall melt away and his lost lover standing tall over him.

Stop every clock...

The missing terrapin had a slight glow to him, blue bandana flowing in the non-existent wind. Still, his eyes were hard, the same they would get when trying to dare anyone to challenge what he said. "You couldn't do anything, Raph," Leonardo answered, "Because there wasn't anything left to be done. I chose my fate… don't beat yourself up over what I did."

...The stars are in shock...</i>

The hothead was left speechless, trying to regain his regular breathing. He felt his body shake with the breath entering and leaving him.

...The river would run to the sea.</i>

The older mutant kneeled down, brown orbs softening as he put a hand on the muscular emerald shoulder. "Please Raphael, you can't keep going like this. The distancing from our family, the constant fights topside, and the self hatred you feel… you have to stop it. At the very least, the baby will not survive if not given proper treatment and care."

I won't let you fly...

"Ya did all those things… didn' have the proper stuff, an' yet Vin turned out fine," Raph grunted, still numb at the sight of his brother. He could feel the spirit's comforting glow, but for some reason fought it back.

...I won't say goodbye...

Leo chuckled, the sound echoing in the maze of darkness around them, "That's true… but it's not just for the baby why you need to change." He looked solemnly into the other's eyes, "Our family needs you and your leadership."

"Don's better at the leadin' stuff…"

"Not really. His mind may be brilliant, but it's still curious and likely to wander during battle. And Michelangelo, well… he's great back-up, but he could tell you himself that he would rather not be leader."

"What makes ya think I'd be better?" Raph growled out, trying not to let his body lean into the touch but feeling only more pain as his yearning heart demanded closeness. "I'm stubborn an' impulsive, remember?"

...I won't let you slip away from me.

"Raph, you put way too much stress on yourself. You're compassionate, and brave and knowledgeable, and loyal. Over the years you've shown me more then once that you'd be great for my job… it's why I never worried about who would take my place once I was gone."

Can you hear heaven cry?

"Ya knew you'd leave us in a battle?"

"Seeing as it's our lifestyle, I couldn't really deny the high possibility of it, you know?" Leo looked away for a moment, sighing as he said, "You know this was our way of going just as I did."

Tears of an angel...</b>

Raphael snorted, "Overdramatic as usual, Fearless."

The blue-banded terrapin scowled but pressed forward with another topic, "Vincent, he… he's only three, Raphael…"

"I know that."

"Then you should also know that our son needs you. Probably more then ever now, seeing as he doesn't fully comprehend what has happened… he just needs to be with his father."

…Tears of an aaaaaa... </b>

Raph stayed silent at this, nodding lightly as he felt the guilt overwhelm him once more.

"This is hard for everyone, but by being together it will get better, I promise."

...Tears of an angel...</b>

"Together…" the hothead snorted, "it's not gunna be the same bro… not without the whole family." He reached up and finally laid a hand overtop the glowing one.

...Tears of an angel.</b>

"Maybe not, but… things change. They have to…" Ducking his head, he kissed his mate's lips slowly, sighing softly as he mumbled, "Be careful, Raph." With those final words, the body started to dull, and leaving into the darkness.

So hold on...

Raphael's eyes widened, tightening his grip on his lover's hand, "Leo wait!" He was met by a sad smile and understanding eyes as the terrapin shrunk backwards into a hole that had been otherwise unnoticed.

...Be strong...</i>

His heart started to race again as he reached forward, still holding onto the other's hand until it was pushed out of his grasp by the window's clear barrier and gasped as he saw the concrete room on the other side.

...Everyday hope will grow.</i>

Leo's spirit eased back into the window-like hole, back to a figure laying in chains and its own blood upon the floor. Arms twisted behind his back and connected by metal cuffs to a heavy-linked chain that attached to the wall. His feet also had been cuffed and chained. The corpse twitched, finally struggling to bring in a breath as his fingers flexed for a moment. A whimper came from the person, brown eyes shut but still able to cry as a river of water dripped down his beak onto the floor.

I'm here... </b>

It sighed for a moment, mouth moving slowly and achingly into a familiar name, "Raph…"

...Don't you fear...</i>

The youngest of the couple growled, trying to rush forward to help but being held back by this wall separating reality from dream, only to feel an echoing call that brought chills down his spine.

...Little one, don't let go!</b>

"Daddy?"

He turned his head, seeing another little window. This one, however, held the familiar walls of his bedroom and the concerned face of his child.

Ohhhhhh...</b>

"Daddy, are you okay?" Vincent asked, his voice echoing throughout the blackened world, "Daddy, 's not funny, wake up… not funny, Daddy, wake up! Wake up!" He felt the world tremble around him as Vin's hands shook his body. "Daddy, please!" The three year old cried, brown eyes wide in fear and glistening with moisture.

...Don't let go...</b>

With a pained look back at the window of Leo's reality, only kept open by his hand touching the barrier, Raphael turned and dashed towards his own fading window, jumping through at the last moment.

He opened his eyes, gasping sharply for air and finding himself being shaken by his young son, one thought on his mind, 'He's alive...'

...Ohhhhhhh...</b>

"Daddy!" The young tot exclaimed, throwing his arms around the elder mutant's neck and nuzzling into it. He sniffled loudly, blinking back tears as he felt the warm body beneath him shift. The creak from the bedsprings was a late signal as Raphael got up off the mattress, holding his son to him tightly with one arm before heading over to the end of the bed.

"Y-You mumblin' in yer sleep," the three year old said in a hushed tone, getting his breathing back to normal, "Mommy's name... sound really scared, Daddy... really scared..."

...Don't let go...

Vincent moved his head to the side and watched as his father grabbed a bag shoved near the door. It was roughly thrown onto the bed and some extra straps and gear pushed into it. A blanket was also put in before the bag was snatched off the bed and through the doorway as Raph moved from the room. The two headed into the bathroom, quickly taking some dressings and things from the first aid kit then rushing down the stairs into the kitchen.

It was only mere minutes before the hothead exited the kitchen, child in one arm and the zipped bag in the other. Sidestepping the couch, he lowered the tiny turtle onto the cushions, slinging the bag over his shoulder and crouching to cover his son in a blanket. Without meeting the wondering orbs, he tucked the corners in tight, just as his own father had done for him when he was small.

...Ohhhhhh.</b>

A similar scene rippled within the young mind as Vinnie's little voice asked, "Daddy, we goin' to tha farm?" His expression grew even happier at the thoughts of the long grass, the smell of pine trees, and the sparkling river.

Flinching from the question, Raph finally looked at his child, feeling his heart tear at the obvious delight, "No, Vin, you're not."

"Where goin' then?"

Cover my eyes...

Sighing, the parent looked away again. "I'm goin' ta get yer mom."

Brown eyes were covered by the blinking lids before growing wide. "Mommy?" The hope and joy unknowingly broke the older turtle's heart, making him stop and wonder if this was smart.

The blood splattered cell came to Raph's vision again. It burned his soul... he knew this was for the best. He had promised Leo to have his back... he wasn't going to stop now.

But with tender and shaking hands, Raph reached out and cupped his son's cheeks. He gulped at the sight of admiration and trust and had to fight back his tears as he nodded, "Yeah Vin."

Tilting the little head upwards, he pressed a chaste kiss to the child's forehead. He closed his eyes then, the hurt of his future actions and the knowledge that this could very well be the last time he saw his little boy, mumbling against his emotions, "I love ya, Vincent. Be good."

...Cover my ears...</b>

Making use of his ninja training, he swiftly took off towards the exit. He could hear the surprise in Vinnie's voice as the young tot scrambled from his position on the couch.

"Daddy?"

For some reason, he suddenly couldn't breathe. Like in his dream, the normal sprint he made drained him of the oxygen in his lungs, striking him hard as his hand pulled down on the door switch.

"Daddy wait!" The little turtle said, tumbling off the couch edge. "No go 'lone, Daddy..." the young voice called after him, turning panic stricken as the emerald ninja vanished into the sewer shadows outside the door, "Daddy, no go, please!"

Raph closed his eyes against the calls, feeling sick to his stomach as he pulled on the lever on the other side. The door creaked as it started to close.

"Daddy, no leave!"

...Tell me these words are a...</b>

With a grinding halt, the door closed fully and remained quiet for a split second before pounding of tiny fists started on the metal. "No leave me, please!" Vinnie cried, his whimpering growing into a volume loud enough to wake the entire household.

Not wanting to be caught, Raphael rushed forward, keeping to the shadows out of instinct. His mind ventured to the truth of the lie that he and his entire family had been led to believe for the last four weeks.

'He's alive… I'll find ya, Leo, just hang on.'

...Lie.</b>

He gasped harshly then, trying to shut out the screams that followed him into the dark depths.

"Daddy!"