I Wish I Knew

I wish I knew beforehand that the day we’d meet, that midnight arrival as I shakily stepped off the plane and into a whole different world to my own, would be the start of the best time of my life. I wish I had known it hours earlier while my palms became clammy and my heart started pounding, watching the sky open up and swallow the daylight, night chasing away the last strands of hot pink and lavender.

Geez I was so nervous. It seems silly now, of course, but goodness; I had done so well until that last leg, that last hour of suspension in the air. Until I realized just what I was doing, racing across the continent to meet someone who had taken such a big part of my life, and had held it for so very long, and suddenly I worried over first impressions.

Would I be what you hoped, what you expected? Would I be what your parents looked for in a person, a family friend? Or would I end up disappointing you, as a friend and partner, and have this trip be done for nothing.

But seeing that smile… your beautiful smile as you saw me walk through the door, bag in tow…

That hug you gave me… first when I reached you, and then again as we waited for my suitcase…

We were so careful at first; took our time to test what was alright and what wasn’t. We had fun in trying things out, practicing others, and learning as much as we could about each other. I became so comfortable with you, much more than I had ever imagined I could be with someone.

It was exhilarating. I felt so alive; like I was normal person who could be loved and that I deserved it, that I was better than what I believed myself to be. You gave me such confidence in myself, gave me a reason to believe that I was so much more than a face in a sea of billions, because I knew you could have any of them, any at all.

And yet you chose me.

I can remember singing in your car, grasping your hand and squeezing it just to be sure you were there. How I couldn’t help but smile every time you would squeeze back or pull it up to your lips for a kiss.  I remember the unexpectedly cold nights and then waking up curled against you in the morning. I remember our trip to Niagara Falls, Canada’s Wonderland, and Port Dover, and coming back with a stinging burn along my shoulders but a smile on my lips. I remember waking in a daze with tears rolling down my face, and you holding me close like a protecting force to chase away those fears. I remember our first kiss and how it made me feel complete; how from that moment on, I knew I wanted to be able to kiss you as much as I liked. I remember seeing your smile, your pretty brown eyes aimed at me in something so much stronger than mere friendship, and thinking to myself that I’d do anything to keep you smiling like that.

That I could die happy being with you.

And then it was all over. I was to step on that plane and fly away from this newfound happiness like nothing had ever happened, when all I wanted to do was turn tail and return to your arms. Eight years of knowing one another and waiting for this one moment. And it was all supposed to come to an end after a mere week.

It was so difficult not to cry. I needed to remain strong for you, holding you close and reassuring you what I knew in my heart to be true: that this wouldn’t be the last time. This wouldn’t be ‘the end’.

So here I sit. Back home, back in my room, back in ‘normality’ for the most part. The first few days back were the toughest but things have calmed since then. And I think about our past year together, how it didn’t feel like a year in the slightest. It makes me hopeful for our future. Another year can pass just as quickly and maybe this time you’ll be out my way. And I can show you my life as you showed me yours.

And if anyone has the audacity to try to growl at us for our ‘unnatural lifestyle’, then don’t blame me for showing a little PDA in retaliation. Because while it’s disgusting how they feel justice in judging other’s lives, it’s amusing to see how irate they’ll get if I can kiss you once and continue to walk down the street with my fingers entwined with yours.

<3